| it's happening... |
[Apr. 30th, 2006|03:40 pm] |
You and I in a little toy shop,
buy a bag of balloons with the money we've got,
Set them free at the break of dawn,
'Till one by one, they were gone,
Back at base, bugs in the software,
Flash the message, "Something's out there."
Floating in the summer sky,
99 red balloons go by...
99 red balloons floating in the summer sky,
Panic bells, it's red alert,
There's something here from somewhere else,
The war machine, it springs to life,
Opens up one eager eye,
Focusing it on the sky,
As 99 red balloons go by.
...
99 dreams I have had,
In every one a red balloon.
It's all over and I'm standin' pretty,
In the dust that was a city.
If I could find a souvenir,
Just to prove the world was here...
And here it is, a red balloon.
I think of you and let it go.
And so, last night I was unable to sleep... again. And I'm not quite all here today. I'm sitting here at work, a little frazzled. I'm so tired that my eyes are constantly teared up, and it looks really weird to any guest that comes to the front desk. It looks like I've been crying. Oh well.
I've been getting into a lot of deep conversations lately about my problems in life. People keep re-assuring me that I deserve the best and that things are going to turn for the better. But really... Can I believe them? Am I honestly going to come off thinking that after the last two years of my life, which have been complete hell and have changed me from the person I loved into the person I am today, things are just going to magically get better? I think I'm stuck, the way I am. The "New" TJ. Not Improved. Granted, I'm a lot more mature than what I used to be. But I also used to be a lot more fun. And I miss that. I miss Cart Hockey. I miss Naked Cruising. I miss Office Space Day. I miss going to "The Scary" with all my friends... and then Tyrone and I hiding but it failing because I glow in the dark, and Tyrone's blacker than the night. I MISS THOSE THINGS. I'm never, EVER going to have that back, and I'm a little bit more than distraught about it. Sure, I have different friends now, and we're making different memories. But it's not the same. I'm not me. I'm a facade, a charade. I am no more myself than anyone else is. And I would give anything... ANYTHING to have the old me back. But alas, that TJ is long dead and gone. He left with Kristine about a year and a half ago.
And so, every night I find myself up until 9, thinking about how it used to be. Thinking about life before Emporia. Thinking about life with the Hesston kids. And how I can never go back, no matter how hard I try or how much I want to. It's kinda sad, but I have a routine for trying to sleep now. Here it goes:
11:00 PM: I get off of work.
11:10 PM: I get home with food.
11:15 PM: I mention to JW that I would really like to use my computer.
12:00 AM: I tell JW that I want to use my computer.
1:00 AM: James yells at JW and tells him to get off the computer.
1:01 AM: JW gets pissed off and leaves.
1:02 AM: I jump on the computer and play City of Heroes.
5:30 AM: I decide I should try to go to sleep and lie down on the floor.
6:00 AM: Saved by the Bell comes on.
6:30 AM: Another episode of Saved by the Bell.
7:00 AM: And another.
7:30 AM: You get the picture.
8:00 AM: Dawson's Creek comes on. I turn the TV off.
8:30 AM: Thoughts are at their peak at this point. My brain cannot shut off no matter how much I try to will it to do so.
8:45 AM: I get up to use the restroom.
9:00 AM: My brain shuts off, but still I am unable to sleep.
9:30-10:00 AM: During this thirty minute period is when I usually pass out.
And that, my friends, is the secret of my nightly ritual.
Anyway, I'm gonna go for now, I'll probably post more later. In fact, I'm thinking about possibly switching over to Xanga. I seem to like their interface a little bit better. And plus, that's what all my friends use, so I can keep in touch with them that way.
Later,
~TJ
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| no sleep 'til... ... ... ever? |
[Apr. 29th, 2006|06:32 pm] |
| [ | Where TJ is: |
| | work... | ] |
| [ | My disposition during this post: |
| |  empty | ] |
| [ | What I'm listening to currently: |
| | Random shit on the shitty radio station | ] |
Damn life and it's downward spirals. Damn it all to hell.
My sleep problem is getting progressively worse and worse. I go to bed about 8 or 9 AM, get up for work at 2 PM (5-6 hours of sleep), work 8 hours from 3-11, exhausted as hell, and as soon as I get home, I'm no longer tired. Why? Why must this happen? Why am I only tired when I can't sleep?
I've made a few decisions in my life. First of all, I've decided that I'm no longer going to let things pass me by, I'm no longer going to allow myself to be passed up for someone else. I need to be more aggressive when it comes to finding someone to be with, instead of just letting the ball bounce repeatedly in their court. Thanks, Rai. Thanks for making me realize how big of a mistake I was making.
And to start off my new revelation, I'm going to take charge and not let the possibility of a relationship with Kendra slip through my fingers. If she's completely uninterested, that's fine. But if she's at least slightly interested, I intend to bring that interest out and feed it. Starting tonight. If she's working.
The second of my decisions is that I'm going to be a lot more careful with my money. I never realized how much I was spending until I got my credit card statement today. Holy christ. If I ever want to buy that $1300 computer I've been looking at, I really need to be more careful with my funding.
Thirdly, I've decided that I need to stop letting people take advantage of me. I'm tired of asking people to let me use MY OWN COMPUTER, and then they don't get off. This has happened more than twice now. Even actively doing it knowing that I wanted to get on. For example, one time I came home from work, I was stressed out, and I had to go to Palladium. I said to JW, "When I get home, I'm getting on my computer." Well I go to Palladium, I come back home, and JW doesn't get off. I stared at him. For HOURS. Still didn't get off. Nicholas even asked him in-game, "Aren't you supposed to be getting off now?" And he replied, "He didn't say anything, so I'm just going to stay on." It's fucking bullshit. I've decided one of four things:
1.) Stop asking. Demand. Even if he's in the middle of a mission, I'll say "Get the fuck off of MY computer. Now."
2.) (I stole this idea from my highschool principal) Having a board up with the words "PRIVELEDGE PROBATION" and every time he does something that goes against my rules (like not getting off when I ask him to) a letter is taken away. When all the letters are gone, I password lock my computer and don't let him on.
3.) Password locking my computer. He's already had his three strikes, as far as I'm concerned.
4.) A combination of 1 and 3, while also deleting all of his characters from City of Heroes.
It's so much bullshit; He doesn't help pay the account for City of Heroes. It's not his computer, he doesn't even LIVE AT MY HOUSE. But still, he acts as if my computer is his own. Oh, it's almost like living in the dorms again.
And the final decision I've made is that I really need to find someone that's over 21. I've been feeling the need to drink myself into a coma lately. Just one night, you know? It also doesn't help that my friends ALWAYS plan on doing things while I'm fucking busy. Argh.
Maybe I should get ahold of my own alcohol, Invite my own friends over, and not let them drink any. Nah.
One way or another, I need to find a way to get plastered. Sucks being 19.
Oh well. I'm going to head out for now, I'll update more some other time. |
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| Hrm. |
[Apr. 28th, 2006|06:39 pm] |
| [ | Where TJ is: |
| | Work | ] |
| [ | My disposition during this post: |
| |  melancholy | ] |
| [ | What I'm listening to currently: |
| | "How to be Dead"- Snow Patrol | ] |
Well I went on my date with Kendra. I had a lot of fun. We cooked dinner at her house (I was going to but she insisted on helping), then we went to go see a play. Can't for the life of me remember the name of it, but I liked it.
Tonight is HELL.
I'm at work (coulda guessed, huh) and things are going to hell in a hand-basket. Today all the locks had to be re-programmed (AGAIN) and then I had to remake all of the fail-safe keys. Do you have any idea how many keys that is? Let's see, mental math. 57 rooms times 4 keys per room = one metric fuckton of keys. Also known as 228. Am I allowed to die? Am I allowed to sleep?
Anyway, back to more important things. As for Kendra, I'm not sure what to think. I got some inside information saying that she was going to shoot me down, yet it never really happened. Maybe she thinks she did, or maybe I'm just ignorant. Or then again, maybe she felt bad for me or something. Who knows. Either way, I'll be fine. She's a really cool girl and I'd at least like to have her as a friend, if it's not possible to have her as more. That and I did kinda rush things a little bit.
I'm just really stressed out and I need either:
A.) Something good to happen to me.
B.) To sleep for a week straight.
C.) To die.
D.) All of the above could be achieved at the same time.
Lately, I've been unable to sleep. My "conditional insomnia" as I call it has come back, full force, taking no mercy. I'm drained. I have no energy, no will to live, no drive to do any of the things I used to love. What's the reason? I wish I knew. I wish I had a magic wand. But alas, this faerie tale is destined to have a sad ending, one where the "hero" ends up dead in a cold, dark alley behind a Denny's.
Also, I hate old people.
I just feel empty. Alone. Worthless. That void is back. You know that feeling, the one where you're getting sucked through some sort of rift in your heart? The one where your heart's caving in on itself? I guess I should be used to it by now; I guess I should stop whining. However, I can't help but think that there's something I should have done. Something I missed out on. I just need a break. I need a vacation. I need a new life. I guess it wouldn't be so bad if there were someone, ANYONE I could go to with my problems. But I always avoid dishing it out on my friends; they don't need my unnecessary whining added to their palettes of existence.
I think that becomes a big part of why I miss having a girlfriend so much. Not one like Robyn, where conversation was a no-no. But an open relationship, one where if something's bothering me, I have someone to talk to. Someone to listen. Someone who cares. That's the big thing.
But no sense worrying about the future when there's so much shit to do today. Which reminds me, I need to finish up this post, I have a mountain of laundry in the back that has my name written ALL OVER it.
Until my next whiny, self-loathing post,
~TJ |
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| doot de doot de doo |
[Apr. 26th, 2006|08:31 pm] |
| [ | Where TJ is: |
| | Work, as usual | ] |
| [ | My disposition during this post: |
| |  Excited/Nervous | ] |
| [ | What I'm listening to currently: |
| | The Middle- Jimmy Eat World | ] |
Hey everybody, long time no post. Again.
Well things seem to be going at lease a little better for me. I've found out that I like girls again. Not that I ever liked boys. I just disliked girls there for a while.
"What brought about this sudden change?" you ask. Well, it appears that I have met a girl. Very randomly, as per my usual, of course, but welcome nonetheless. She works at Candlewood, I work at Marriott. She randomly calls around to hotels every night asking how many rooms they've sold. And we started talking. Well one night (long story short) she invited me to Taco Bell with her after we got off work.
So we sat in my car for about three hours and talked about random shit. Very random shit.
It's kinda nice to know that I have feelings again, to know that my heart hasn't turned ALL black.
However; I'm extremely nervous. I'm afraid that this sudden attention is completely innocent from her point-of-view and I might be rushing/getting my hopes up a little too soon. And I'm also really cautious. I can't help but worry that I'm going to just be let down again. That she wants nothing to do with me, or that I'm gonna get caught in "the friend zone". Don't get me wrong; I won't blame her if she's not attracted to me or if she doesn't want to pursue a relationship, but that doesn't change the fact that it kinda hurts, because I honestly feel like I'm ready to give it a try again, and I really think that she and I are a pretty good match.
Please tell me I'm not going to be let down again.
I really like this girl; and I really don't want to slip back into emo-TJ mode; I've only recently picked up the pieces. Oh well. No sense worrying about it, I might as well go along with the ride and see what happens. That and I'm a pretty big believer in Self-Fulfilling Prophecy; that is, if you believe something, you're more than likely to make it happen. For example, if I sit here and believe that my prospective "relationship", so to speak, with her is just going to fall through, I will make choices and say things that could make it fall through.
But anyway, to add to my nervousness, her and I are going on a date (as far as I know) tomorrow, and I'm nervous first of all because I hope whatever we do she has fun with, and second of all, I'm still a little leery about being shot down.
I don't know. Without repeating the same things over and over, I feel there's probably not much more to say.
Anyone who might be reading, wish me luck... I get the feeling I'm going to need it.
~TJ |
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| When you walk away... |
[Apr. 16th, 2006|05:32 pm] |
| [ | Where TJ is: |
| | Work, Bitches! | ] |
| [ | My disposition during this post: |
| |  bored | ] |
| [ | What I'm listening to currently: |
| | Kingdom Hearts music! | ] |
Simple and Clean. So many times I heard that song, and so many times I passed it off as J-Pop. But now I can't get it out of my head. And certain phrases keep lingering.
"When you walk away, you don't hear me say, please, oh baby, don't go. Simple and clean is the way that you're making me feel tonight, it's hard to let it go"
"Hold me, whatever lies beyond this morning, is a little later on. Regardless of warnings, the future doesn't scare me at all; nothing's like before."
"Wish I could prove I love you. But does that mean I have to walk on water? When we are older you'll understand, it's enough when I say so. And maybe some things are that simple."
Why are these lyrics lingering? No clue. But it's a little annoying.
I bought Kingdom Hearts II about three days ago-- so far I've put about 35 hours into it. I can't stop playing it. And I just want to finish it before someone (probably J.W.) ruins the ending for me, like what happens every fucking time I watch a movie. I was watching Saw 2... in the first five seconds of the movie... and I quote, "Oh yeah, isn't it crazy that the girl from the first one is helping out the jigsaw killer the whole time in this one?" I was so pissed. It seems I can't play any game or watch any movie without the ending being ruined for me. Which is why when J.W. came over the night I bought Kingdom Hearts II, every time he mentioned "Apparently later on" or something like that I would yell "SHUT UP". He got pissed. I don't care though. I don't want to hear a goddamned thing about the game.
I got a call about a week ago while I was at work. I looked down at my phone. "No shit?" Was the first thing out of my mouth. It said Kristine.
She and I talked for a while... It was really good to hear from her. But it hurt. It still hurts, after all this time. She left me with some pretty mysterious words and that didn't help either. I wish I could just get all this figured out, but I haven't been able to function normally for a while now. I need something to change in my life... so I can be the old me. So I can be TJ again, not this worthless facade, this meaningless existence.
It was just kinda funny though because lately I'd been having a lot of dreams about her. And I've been thinking about her a lot too. I keep trying to convince myself that maybe if I find another girl, I'll get over her. I tried. I tried with Robyn and it didn't work. And I'm afraid if I find another girlfriend, it'll just be the same thing. It's been nearly a year and I'm still on the rebound. Pathetic.
Anyway, I'm at work, and I should probably attempt to get some work done.
Until later.
~TJ |
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| God damnit. |
[Apr. 7th, 2006|07:35 pm] |
| [ | Where TJ is: |
| | At work. | ] |
| [ | My disposition during this post: |
| |  cheerful | ] |
| [ | What I'm listening to currently: |
| | The wind squealing past the window like Heath Ledger | ] |
I always do this. I always wait like three months to write in my journal again. God damnit.
So things are a lot different now. I have a job (I'm a front desk clerk at a hotel), I live at my house with James, Mercedes, and Geoff (I might point out, the house has TWO bedrooms. My bed is a foam pad on the floor.), oh yeah... and Bob the Betta finally died.
The tale of Bob's death is tragic. It starts one cold February night where I had forgotten to get him out of James' room, where the heater didn't go and the ice-cold February air ran rampant. I checked on Bob; he was on his side. "No, Bob, No!" I cried. I sprinted into the kitchen with his tank and scooped him into the palm of my hand. He had died.
Until I poked him. Then he sprang right up to life again and jumped back down into the tank. He started swimming again. All appeared well... but his swimming slowed. Slowly he rolled back over onto his side.
"No, Bob, No!"
This entire "fishy CPR" process repeated about 5 times. Finally Bob decided it was his time to die for our sins and was buried at sea (or more like "at city sewer tunnels") like the true hero he was.
Life without Bob has become a lot more lonely. We have lost the light of the Jesus Fish in our lives.
But now we have a dog.
Her name is Princess.
And I'm sure you're expecting there to be some really complicated, long, and drawn out story that involves my dog and her magical powers. Well... you're right.
Princess (Insert middle name here) Guy, a half pit bull, half pointer was adopted into the Guy/Maddox/Bales/Geoff's last name household sometime in late October, along with her brother, Tucson. Mercedes decided (after Tucson ate a postcard) that she couldn't handle owning a dog, so he got sent to doggy death row (also known as the pound.)
Amazingly, however, Princess's infantile puppy brain couldn't comprehend that her brother was no longer with her, so she acted no differently. I remember giving the dogs their first bath. It was more like me splashing water on them while grabbing them as fast as I could because they were attempting to sprint from the bath tub and into the living room. But alas, Tucson was gone, and that made Princess Bath Time even more scary. Over Christmas Break, I went home, and didn't see Princess. I came back and she was still confined in the kitchen. So one day, I fall asleep on the couch (my temporary home before the floor became my bed), and awoke the next morning to a warm hairy ball curled up on my feet. You can imagine the surprise in my face when I wake up at 8 AM to a dog licking my toes. And the odd part was... the doggy gate we put in the kitchen doorway was still up. Hadn't been touched.
Over the next month, we devised ways to keep Princess in her "home", so to speak. Our most ingenious plan involved two boxes stacked on top of each other, with the gate on top of that. Wouldn't you know it, it didn't work. Somehow she managed to get into the livingroom, again, without even moving the boxes or the gate.
My theory? Princess had been taken under Bob the Betta's wing... er... fin. Bob knew his time as being the second coming of christ was almost up, and before he died, he had to pass on his psionic powers to SOMEBODY. Since we humans obviously didn't need it (we're free to roam wherever we want) the obvious logical choice was that Bob the Betta should use his dying efforts to teach Princess all that he knows.
My proof? So many nights, Princess sat there staring up at him. Watching him. And Bob just stared back. It was almost like a christmas card. But sadly, things weren't so "cute" for long.
Bob the Betta's last lesson to Princess was that she was to use her psionic powers for the needs of the good-hearted people only. Princess, still being infantile, decided the best way to use her powers was to do the things she would normally do... without it being possible for her to get caught.
As an example, one night we were all sitting in the living room staring at her. We KNEW she had to take a dump, but she hadn't quite mastered the secret art of "not shitting inside" yet. So we watched her. And watched her. And after a while, we all start smelling something. I get up to go check it out.
You can imagine the look of sheer terror on my face when I noted the large pile of dog shit in the middle of the hallway.
Do you have ANY idea how hard it is to train a dog not to use the living room as her own personal toilet when it's IMPOSSIBLE to catch her in the act? Let me tell you something. It's about as easy as it is for me to deal with my childish self-hatred without listening to Emo music. And THAT'S impossible.
We're still having problems with her going outside. She refuses to go outside; but you leave the house for one minute, POOF, there's a pile of shit on your NEW FOAM PAD! ARRRRRRRRRRGH!
And not only that, but when she DOES attempt to go outside, something usually scares her and she refuses to do anything except sprint back to the door like she had seen a ghost. She, oddly enough, appears to be afraid of nearly every single thing in existence. She's afraid of a lightsaber, she's afraid of a BICYCLE, she's afraid of a PAPER BAG, for god's sake. Kindof makes us wonder how in the nine levels of hell that Nergul commands she has ANY pit bull blood in her.
So one day, with five minutes left at work until I go home, I recieve a phone call.
It's Mercedes. My roommate.
"TJ... Princess is missing... Geoff let her outside on the leash and she broke her collar and ran away..."
That's all she could say.
I flew home. Not literally, but you know, in a car.
I got there, I ran outside, and I looked for Princess.
She was nowhere to be found.
We called the pound; no luck.
We called the police; they didn't care.
Eventually, about a week later, we recieved a call.
"Hi, I'm from the Emporia Animal Shelter. We think we've found Princess."
Imagine, for a second, four human beings that really miss their dog. Imagine what lengths they would go to get her back. Imagine how quickly we ran out the front door as soon as we had heard that.
The whole time I was trying to be the voice of reason, "Don't get your hopes up, it might not be her. It might not be her!" JW and James were insistent. "It's her. I know it."
We get there, and only one of us is allowed in the back where she's held. Of course, James, being the "father", so to speak, was taken in the back.
Suspense.
That thirty seconds was probably the longest thirty seconds I've ever experienced in my life.
Tick. Tock.
Tick. Tock.
Tick. Tock.
The lady behind the desk said, "Yeah. The guy who found her was walking his collie, and his dog found her hiding under a bush. When the guy went to pick her up she was shaking profusely." We knew it was her. Only our dog would hide under a bush for five straight days.
Finally James comes back to the lobby with the biggest smile I'd ever seen. "It's her. They found Princess."
It was about this time when the lady explained, "Oh yeah, she's badly injured too. She's limping around on her front left paw, she's got some nasty scrapes and gashes, and she really doesn't like to move around much."
We take her home, and the first thing I do is give her a bath. You would think that a bath, her least favorite thing in the world would make her MORE afraid than she was before. At least I thought so. But no. She didn't whimper. She didn't shiver. She didn't even attempt to get out of the tub. She just sat there, in the tub, licking my knee. She missed us THAT much.
Princess started to heal over time. Eventually her limp started becoming less and less noticable. Unless, of course, you asked her, "Princess, what's wrong with your paw?" INSTANTLY, this magical phrase would snap her leg bone in three places, making her limp as if her leg didn't move at all. Apparently, our little Princess has grown up to be a full-fledged Drama Queen. |
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| neopets stuff |
[Jan. 4th, 2006|01:29 am] |
| [ | My disposition during this post: |
| | excited | ] |
| [ | What I'm listening to currently: |
| | None. Isn't it surprising? | ] |
Hey.
Thanks to _RaiRai_, I'm now a council member in the Citizens of Nuklear Power Forums guild. Today I made a guild webpage, the guild donation shop, and prepared for the first guild contest. 'twill be a lottery.
I'm excited. But so far, nothing's come yet. No purchases, no donations, NOTHING. Except for one.
Someone donated an item to give as an auxillary prize for the lottery.
But yeah, I'm tired. Tired as hell. So I'm gonna go for now.
~TJ
EDIT: 2:06 AM
God damnit. Tripod shut the guild website down. I'm looking into the matter now but I don't know that it'll be any help. That's a lot of work down the drain. |
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| I'm back... |
[Jan. 2nd, 2006|10:32 pm] |
| [ | My disposition during this post: |
| |  aggravated | ] |
| [ | What I'm listening to currently: |
| | Triste Mix 3 ALL WEEK | ] |
So I came back from Texas today.
...
Needless to say, I'm displeased. Susan was on my ass the ENTIRE FUCKING TIME. Mostly anti-gay stuff. Because, you know, I'm living with James. And he's gay. Both Susan and my dad are convinced that I'm gay (or will be soon) because homosexuality is apparently contagious. Also, they're convinced that James is going to rape me in the middle of the night because I'm a guy... and he's gay. And that's what gay people do, according to the two of them. This continued the entirety of the time I was in Texas.
And the comment that pissed me off the most?
I was talking about how I was doing fine in college at ESU until I met James. When my friends and I met him, we all stopped going to class. And immediately, Susan pipes in with, "Well, what is it they say, 'Bad company makes good people fall'?" I got up and left lunch. I sat outside, pretending to "have a cigarette". But really, I was so angry I could cry. Susan doesn't even know James. James is the NICEST person I know, hands-down. He doesn't judge people. Unlike some other religious zealots I could mention *cough* Susan. James may be gay, but Susan judges people so frequently that she, in fact, is not a person I would associate with more than I had to. In my books, she's so cruel and judgmental that although James is gay, he would get into heaven before she EVER would, and personally, if Susan is rewarded in heaven for being Christian despite being as judgmental and as shitty of a person as she is, then I don't want any part of it. If God is so short-sighted to only require faith to get into his 'special place', I would rather burn in hell for 1000 eternities than spend one of them in Heaven. To me, any "heaven" filled with people like Susan would just be hell.
But anyway, now that my distracted rambling is finished (for now), I would like to move on.
Other than Susan's zealousness getting in the way of MY family, I had a pretty nice time while I was in Texas. Everyone down there loves me (and shows it)... AND I got just enough money to make rent on the 5th. I got to see everyone, except for Ashley, my cousin. But I never see him anyway, so it wasn't anything any different.
But other than that, I have nothing worth mentioning.
So until my next post,
~TJ |
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| Short update... |
[Dec. 30th, 2005|12:55 am] |
| [ | My disposition during this post: |
| | excited | ] |
| [ | What I'm listening to currently: |
| | Triste Mix 3 (shut up already) | ] |
Leaving for Texas tomorrow. Or more precisely, in 6 hours. Won't have internet until I get back.
So uh... won't see any of you until then!
~TJ |
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| Was I really this bad? |
[Dec. 29th, 2005|02:25 am] |
 Dear Santa...
Dear Santa,
This year I've been busy!
In May I farted in an elevator (-6 points). In November I gave ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif?v=92.1) warrior_lover a Dutch Oven (-10 points). Last Sunday I committed genocide... Sorry about that, wrestlerdiva18 (-5000 points). In February I set _rairai_'s puppy on fire (-66 points). In July I didn't flush (-1 points).
Overall, I've been naughty (-5083 points). For Christmas I deserve a lump of coal!
Sincerely,
squall2933 |
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| leaving. |
[Dec. 29th, 2005|01:43 am] |
| [ | My disposition during this post: |
| | cheerful | ] |
| [ | What I'm listening to currently: |
| | Triste Mix 3 (I know, I listen to it a lot) | ] |
Hey everybody. I don't know if I mentioned this, but I'm going to Texas for New Years. I'm leaving EARLY friday morning.
But yeah, I just remembered I already mentioned that.
Still listening to the CD I burned. So far I've had three copies stolen from me (not really stolen, but I guess a lot of people really want the CD.)
So I'm tired of being up so late at night with nothing to do. Sadly though, I can't go to bed earlier since I'm not tired until about 5:00 AM. I think the easiest thing to do is keep pushing myself to stay awake longer and longer until my sleep schedule's corrected. It's happened before. I'm just afraid that I'll just make it like this again. When I get back to Emporia though, there'll be more for me to do.
I'm just really excited to go back. There's nothing here for me; My mind, heart, and soul are in Emporia. They've all gone AWOL from my body. Oh well. Not far away.
I've decided I'll probably go back to Emporia on the 4th or 5th. And I'm gonna bring a dresser and computer desk with me. Things that I need.
I wish someone, anyone would call me right now. I just need someone to talk to; however everyone I know is asleep by now.
There's nothing good on TV, as usual. I hate TV but sometimes you just gotta watch something, you know?
I'm gonna go check the TV guide... then I'll be back to post more.
Okay, so nothing's on TV. Big surprise there. Oh well, LiveJournal will entertain me until I run out of things to talk about.
Thankfully, right now, I have nothing to gush about. Nothing to complain about. I'm just comfortably numb. In fact, I'd go so far as to say that I'm mildly happy. I could almost go on a run. A long run. I don't know where I'd go or when I'd come back, but I think it'd be fun.
I called Amber on Christmas, just like I said I would. We're talking now and it makes me happy. She called me last night for a little bit; I was with John, so we weren't on the phone long. But still, it feels good to have someone to talk to. It feels good to know that someone's interested in me. That's a welcome change.
I wouldn't be so bad if I even had someone to talk to on MSN. But I don't. The only person that's online this late is Cambry; and all he does is complain about his girlfriend dumping him. I love him and I try to be sympathetic, but sometimes it just gets on my nerves and I just end up being apathetic.
And I wish a single person read this damn thing regularly. Oh well.
I'm out of things to talk about, so I'll probably just end this post for now.
Until later;
~TJ |
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|
| this is the straw. |
[Dec. 28th, 2005|02:05 am] |
| [ | What I'm listening to currently: |
| | Triste Mix 3 | ] |
Hmm. Nothing to post. So why am I posting?
I dunno.
But this is the end. |
|
|
| EMO KIDS OF THE WORLD UNITE! |
[Dec. 27th, 2005|02:34 am] |
| [ | What I'm listening to currently: |
| | Triste Mix 3- See Below | ] |
Made a new CD today. Here's the track list:
Triste Mix 3
Track List
1. Snow Patrol- “Chocolate”
2. The All-American Rejects- “Stab My Back”
3. Fall Out Boy- “Grand Theft Autumn (Where is Your Boy?)”
4. The All-American Rejects- “Straightjacket Feeling”
5. A Simple Plan- “Perfect”
6. The All-American Rejects- “Night Drive”
7. Snow Patrol- “Spitting Games”
8. The All-American Rejects- “I’m Waiting”
9. The All-American Rejects- “It Ends Tonight”
10. Fall Out Boy- “Sugar, We’re Going Down”
11. The All-American Rejects- “11:11 PM”
12. Fall Out Boy- “Dead on Arrival”
13. The All-American Rejects- “Dirty Little Secret”
14. A Simple Plan- “Untitled”
15. The All-American Rejects- “Dance Inside”
16. The White Stripes- “I’m Lonely (But I Ain’t That Lonely Yet)”
17. The All-American Rejects- “Move Along”
18. Snow Patrol- “How To Be Dead”
So I've been listening to it all day. Yeah, I'm an emo kid. So what? I took it to Hesston with me today and I made two copies: One for myself and one for Bri. Well they both got abducted. I didn't realize that my friends would like this CD, but I guess so...
Anyway, that's about all I have to talk about right now, so I'm going to go until later.
Peace,
~TJ |
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|
| Merry fucking christmas. |
[Dec. 25th, 2005|03:15 am] |
| [ | My disposition during this post: |
| | Meh... | ] |
| [ | What I'm listening to currently: |
| | Yellow Card- "Cigarette" | ] |
Hello everybody. It's fucking christmas. Can you believe it's fucking christmas already?
My poor, broke-ass family went out of their way to spend money on me this year. I'm not excited about that. I love them very much and that's not going to change, whether or not they buy me presents I don't need. I'll admit, I was very happy with my presents, but I would probably be happier knowing that my parents had money for the next week.
It especially makes me feel bad because I "gave" my family immaterial things for presents. I offered that I would cook any time my mom wanted me to. I also offered that any time my dad needed help around the house, I'd give it to him. Although I've been doing some stuff on my own (dishes, cooking, cleaning, etc.) neither one of my parents have asked me to do either task.
But other than Holiday stress, my life is wrapped up in other forms of stress. Namely: GIRLS. Nothing specific this time. Just sitting here I feel lonely. I feel like I want to be held. I want to be touched. I want to be loved. I know, these are all very normal emotions for a person to feel, but that doesn't make them any easier. And don't get me wrong. Outside of here, I act like everything is absolutely PERFECT. Including the fact that I'm OUT OF FUCKING CIGARETTES!... sorry. NicoRage. Maybe now would be a good time to attempt quitting. After vomiting this morning because I couldn't breathe, it made me think a little bit. But then I realized I was stressed and had a cigarette.
I got really really drunk Thursday night. In fact, I can't say that I remember most of it. All I can remember is that Bri's leg is a comfortable pillow... and the cops showed up. Oh, and Saving Private Ryan. Oh, and Euro Trip. Oh, and ... ok, so the more I think about the night, the more I can remember. But as a whole, I don't remember the way things played out, I just know the main things that happened.
I've been having my visions again. Not the bad, scary ones. The good ones. I'm hoping that my good visions work the same way my bad ones do. For those of you that might not remember or have read, I mentioned my visions/esp/deja vu in an earlier post. The main idea is that when something bad is about to happen, I have visions/esp/deja vu. The more frequently I have them, the closer the event is. My "good" visions, so to speak, include a girl. I don't know the girl, but I can see her. I see her and I feel like I know her, I feel like she's my soul mate. The last time I had this vision was last year. I was walking down the stairs in Central Morse, and all of a sudden I went blind. I blinked my eyes and I saw a girl. She had long brown hair, soft blue eyes, was wearing gray sweats and a tank top. I can't ever see her face, however. After that single vision, I hadn't seen that girl in my mind again until last week. I saw her in a dream last night. So, as I stated earlier, I'm hoping that the more often I see her, the closer I am to finding her. I know. It's a crazy fantasy, but you never know. With the way my visions have worked in the past, I wouldn't put it past me to find her in real life someday.
Another reason I should find a way to harness my visions/deja vu/esp. It scares me and it comforts me. And I don't believe in it! Of all the crazy states my mind could (and should) be in, this isn't one of them.
Thankfully, I have not had a true instance of Deja Vu in some time. As I stated earlier, the more often I experience it, the closer a cataclysmic event is. The last time I had Deja Vu, the next day Matt Yost had been found dead.
And maybe, just maybe, these visions are leading me. Lately I've been sitting there and it's almost felt as if something's been tugging at my heart. I guess that would be the only way to describe it. As if someone's just been pulling my heart out. It hurts, but it's almost a good pain. It's a feeling of loneliness but at the same time a feeling that something's coming. Something big.
If there are truth to these visions, then I have to wonder who it could be. The fact that I can't see her face leads me to believe that it's someone I know. Someone that may already have feelings towards me. Then I wonder if something's in the way. A person, distance, or nervousness... anything's possible.
Am I crazy? Am I completely and utterly full of shit? I don't know. I try not to put too much emotional investment in it, that way if it's not true I won't be let down. But I can't help but keep the hope.
But enough about that. I'm leaving to go to Texas for a few days... in a few days. I think the 28th or 29th. I'm going to see my family. And hopefully I won't have to deal with Susan's anti-gay preaching. Fuck her. I love her, but I hate her views and the way she pushes them.
And after that, it's back to Emporia I go. Then I move into my house. Still don't have any money. In total, I have $40. I need $133 for rent. I'm in a lot of trouble. I usually find a way out of almost any predicament (I have good luck when I really need it.) but I'd prefer to just have the money right now so I wouldn't have to worry about it.
"How to be Dead"- Snow Patrol
I've been listening to this song a lot tonight. For some reason it seems to hit close to home... to hurt me in a way that makes me feel better. Not going to concern myself with it though.
However, other than random spouting about my emotions, I have nothing to talk about. And to avoid undue redundancy, I'm going to end this update.
Until the next time I decide that I need to vent,
~TJ |
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|
| tie-in to my emo side |
[Dec. 20th, 2005|04:08 am] |
| [ | My disposition during this post: |
| | Emo | ] |
| [ | What I'm listening to currently: |
| | Below songs... | ] |
"The Last Song" By the All-American Rejects
"Run" by Snow Patrol
Green Day
"Jesus of Suburbia: Dearly Beloved"
Dearly beloved are you listening?
I can't remember a word that you were saying
Are we demented or am I disturbed?
The space that's in between insane and insecure
Oh therapy, can you please fill the void?
Am I retarded or am I just overjoyed?
Nobody's perfect and I stand accused
For lack of a better word, and that's my best excuse.
So as you could more than likely tell, I'm depressed. What else is new? I'm not trying to push my depression on anyone else, which I guess is why I'm venting on here and here alone. I guess I'm bad at hiding it though; my friends keep asking me if I'm alright when I'm absolutely sure I'm covering it up my best. When they ask, I just throw out an excuse like, "Oh, I just had nothing to say to that" or "I was just listening", but really, I wasn't just listening. I'm tired of being alone. I know, I know, I had a girlfriend, but I threw that away. I guess I never really explained that on here; now would be a good time.
One night, as Andrew (a college friend) and I were returning from Hardee's, it was raining. We decided to sprint for the door. When we got there, a group of people was sitting there, and one of them stood out to me. She said, "Hey, if you give me some food, I'll let you sit on my lap." I chuckled and walked to my room. But then I started thinking. I thought, "What have you got to lose? This girl is cute, and you're not doing anything else with your love life, so go for it!" I went back, brought her the remainder of the food (which she didn't actually want) and lo and behold she was sitting on my lap. The next thing I knew I was deeply attracted to this girl. We spent the rest of the night watching movies with her friends and eventually met up. After some very confusing relationship preparation, I guess you would call it, we had decided that we should take our friendship to the next level. Things were good for a while, but then things started to go South. Quickly. She never communicated with me, she only told my friends what was wrong, making me look like a jack-ass. She then actually CONVINCED my room-mate Josh that all I wanted her for was sex. I explained to her many many times why I was in the relationship with her, and that it had absolutely nothing to do with sex. I told her that if I actually just wanted sex, I wouldn't have been putting up with some of the things that were going on in the relationship. Rude and a bit cruel, I know, but I think it got the point across. Despite how many attempts it took to convince her I genuinely had feelings for her, she either never got the message, or didn't care. One night, she had spent HOURS in Andrew's room "typing a paper", and after she was done, popped in to say "hi" and left. I (and everyone else in the room) personally thought it was bullshit. Don't get me wrong, I never suspected her of cheating on me for even a MOMENT. But the fact of the matter is, she spent hours with him, and when I really wanted to see her (and be able to hold her), she runs off as if I don't even matter. Later that night, Andrew had told me that she told him, "I'm gonna go see TJ, but only for a moment. I'm on my period so I can't give him the only thing he wants." This sent me into a rage. I didn't sleep that night. After many attempts to tell her I really liked her, all she did was pass me off as a man-whore. I also warned her previously that I wasn't happy with the way some of the things were happening in the relationship, including that she never vented her problems to me, always to my friends, that she constantly accused me of only seeing her as a sex object, and that she tried turning my friends against me. I told her all this, hoping that maybe she would come back with some things I was doing that she didn't like. Not a god-damned thing. I just wanted an open relationship; maybe that was too much for her. She just kept venting to my friends, and I would hear through them that I'm a horrible person and she deserved to be treated better. I even had one of the guys working at the cafeteria jokingly threatening to kick my ass because one morning she was in there crying, for what reason I don't know, but apparently it was my fault. I tried. I really did. I liked her a lot but I couldn't be in a relationship where I wasn't trusted. Wasn't taken seriously. So I ended it. I told her all the things I'm writing here, and for the 30 minutes we spent breaking up, an extra hour was spent with her crying on my shoulder and sobbing the word "no" repeatedly. As if I didn't feel ENOUGH like an asshole already. I didn't understand how when we were together everything was perfect for her, but when she was around my friends, everything was horrible and she couldn't stand it. So what was I supposed to do? How was I supposed to console her? I let her cry on my shoulder until I couldn't take it anymore, I kissed her and I told her that I needed to try to go to sleep; that it was best if we parted ways for a while. I didn't sleep. I stayed up all night feeling dirty. I took a shower hoping maybe it would wash some of it away, but this dirty wasn't a feeling on my skin... it was under it.
So there's the abridged story of my messed-up relationship with Robyn. Many details were not included, but also not important.
Recently, I've been thinking about a girl. One day I was outside smoking and she came out to smoke with me. We talked for a little while and parted ways. Ever since, I'll occasionally see her; she'll walk by and comment on how crazy I am for being outside in shorts and sandals or something of that nature. When I was in the process of moving out of the dorm last Friday, I took a smoke break and she came walking by. She told me her name, I told her mine. For the life of me, I can not remember her name (which, believe me, I am kicking myself for) but thankfully she's a friend of my friend Ashley. So I'm going to talk to Ash and see how it goes. Ever since the first time I've seen her, I've felt this strange attraction to her, as if a big arrow was pointing to her and saying "Talk to her." I'm not going to chalk it up to love at first sight, I don't know if I believe in that. And I definitely don't think I love this girl. But I can't stop thinking about her and I can't help but be intrigued by her and everything about her.
The trouble is, if Ashley doesn't know who I'm talking about, I'm not sure I'll ever find her again. After Christmas break, I'm moving into the apartment with James and Mercedes. That means a lot less smoke breaks right outside the door. Which translates to seeing less of her.
I've been thinking about someone else lately as well. Her name is Amber. She's really beautiful and amazing. I had a thing for her earlier this semester... but I decided to wimp out and go with a girl closer to home. I was scared. I was scared that I'd have another problem with a girl and a long distance. I didn't want to re-live my relationship with Kristine. But I feel like I made a mistake. I really miss this girl and would change it if I could. Hopefully I can get ahold of her. Hopefully she's not mad at me. When I called and told her that I found a girl in Emporia, I wasn't sure how she felt. She said "It's ok, you were just fun to make out with." But it seemed like a cover-up. I was absolutely sure she was hurt. I felt like shit. And again... would do anything to go back. I'm planning on calling her on Christmas... honestly so I have an excuse to call her. I'm too afraid to call her without having a "reason". I guess calling her because I miss her is a reason. But I want to play it as stealthily as I can for now. I'm going to call her on the 25th, wish her a merry christmas, and then if she's not busy, I'm going to strike up a conversation about her life since the last time we've talked. Somewhere in there I'm going to slip in something about how I'm sorry I hurt her and how I miss her and would like another chance if she's willing to give it to me. Don't get me wrong, I know it sounds like I'm making all these things up, but these are all very real things that I feel. I'm just too afraid to tell her straight-up. I guess posting it in here is kindof a reminder that I need to do it. That I need to make sure I follow through.
I've just been thinking a lot lately. I've been alone too much in the last week or so and I think that's my problem. I'm up so late that everyone else is asleep. And being alone for all that time makes you think about things. Lately, the thing that's been on my mind most often is the fact that I had my best chance to meet a girl at college, and since I'm all but moved out, I've blown it. Aside from these two "last chances", I don't know that I'll meet any on campus or at ESU functions. Don't get me wrong, I don't mean that I won't EVER find a girl, I mean that I don't know if I'll find one any time soon.
I thought I was doing so well too; I had been mostly happy for the last month or so. But maybe that was because I was NEVER alone. There was always someone to hang out with or talk to. Now, my only conversation is a one-sided one with the television. Maybe I don't allow myself to be happy. Maybe I just have some problems I just need to get over. I don't know. But I'm not enjoying the ride.
Sleeping tends to be a taxing process; I'm not ever tired, and when I do finally fall asleep, something always wakes me up early. Hence the reason I'm up at 4:43 AM. My sleeping schedule's reversed and I need some structure to correct it. A job or something. Maybe a girl-friend. I don't know. But I don't like sleeping all day and staying up all night. I want to see the sun.
In other news, it's FREEZING cold in this house. I don't know why, we have central heat and air, but I can't stay warm in here. And I'm usually accustomed to the cold-- in fact, I rather enjoy it. Maybe it's just because I'm sitting still, I don't know.
Other than that depressing chunk of info, I have nothing else to contribute to this update. So I'll end it here and hopefully resume at some other time.
Until later,
~TJ |
|
|
| Captain Gordon, Defender of Earth |
[Dec. 3rd, 2005|12:39 am] |
| [ | My disposition during this post: |
| |  hyper | ] |
Hello everybody. It's me again. You know, the guy that writes here sometimes? So yeah, I don't get to post on here very often. That's because my roommates are CONSTANTLY on this computer. Because JW's paperweight (I mean computer) doesn't work and probably never will. So yay and all that stuff.
I'm sitting here, in my room... doing abso-fuckin'-lutely nothing. In fact, I really don't have anything to post about. Other than, you know... nothing. ADD runs my life and it's great. I'll just be sitting here trying to type in my livejournal and ... well I'm doing it right now. I just completely lose focus and can't type... stuff. So yeah, because it's exceptionally bad tonight, I'm just going to go.
Until next post,
~TJ |
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|
| Huh? |
[Nov. 26th, 2005|03:37 am] |
| [ | My disposition during this post: |
| |  tired | ] |
| [ | What I'm listening to currently: |
| | The lovely soundtrack of Disgaea | ] |
Hey, I'm sitting here at Cambry's house. In Hutchinson. It's 3:30 in the morning, and I am tired as shit. Not to mention the fact that I have to get up in 5 hours so I can see some family from Texas. So yeah, I blame Disgaea. 150-hours-and-counting bullshit.
Some weird shit happened tonight. Kristine came by my house earlier, all was well, and I told her I was going to Cambry's tonight, so she asked if she could come along. That was fine by me. But then she decided to bring Sam Schoen, a person I don't particularly get along with. Luckily he stayed in the car, but she and Sky(spelling?) came in and stayed for about 5 minutes. She left, but seemed really pissed, and I don't know why. I don't really care, I didn't do anything. It's just kinda confusing.
So anyway, I'd probably better go to bed before I find myself sleeping through my alarm tomorrow.
Until next update,
~TJ |
|
|
| Long time no see. |
[Nov. 25th, 2005|12:52 am] |
| [ | My disposition during this post: |
| |  crazy | ] |
| [ | What I'm listening to currently: |
| | The White Stripes- Blue Orchid | ] |
Hey everybody, it's been a while, but I'm back and still swingin'.
A lot has happened since the last time I posted. There was a run-in with a girl and alcohol (which ended up in my belt being broken...), a short-lived girlfriend, a turtle, a job, and Shaniqroids.
I realize that anyone reading has no clue what I'm talking about, but that's okay. However, since I feel that the saga of Mr. Turtley is important, I shall insert his eulogy now.
Dearly beloved, today we celebrate the passing of Mr. Turtley, our beloved pet. For those of you who do not know the wonders of Mr. Turtley, I shall recant a grand story of all his glorious splendor now.
Mr. Turtley, or Raphael Lyman Turtley was a magical turtle, found on the shores of great (yet toxic) Lake Wooster, and adopted into 222 SEM. (My room) More than likely, his supernatural powers were derived from the toxicity of Lake Wooster water itself, considering all of the mutant cat fish that reside there currently. Before becoming an ordained minister of the Catholic church, Mr. Turtley spent most of his time in a bucket which was filled up to his head with his own urine and feces. However, after taking all the vows necessary to become a priest, he decided "that damned bucket just isn't good enough for me." so we upgraded him to the tub. After a lot of scratching of the tub (which, I might add, was fucking annoying), we had finally decided that Father Turtley should be allowed his free roam of the room as well. This tended to be a taxing decision, what with the clothes (most of them mine) strewn all over the floor as well as various other things he could hide behind. Half of the time we could find him; the rest of the time we couldn't. After a run-in with some street drugs, Father Turtley stopped caring about life. He stooped so low as to urinate on one of Josh's D&D books. Any time we tried lying in bed with him, he would try to make a mad dash for the edge to commit suicide. However, after discovering the plush qualities of Rosalie's ass, Father Turtley's spirit returned almost as quickly as it had left, and he once again had the will to live. Ironically, after his revelation, the EVIL complex coordinator, Kim Cum-Shot (I mean Comstock) discovered the turtle during a routine room inspection. All was okay for a while, but then she started hassling us. She said "I will not have pre-ordained ministers residing in MY halls!" Evil or not, she had our money, and it was our duty to pledge our allegiance to her evil regime. So after a tearful goodbye (and ironically at the exact same time that I was breaking up with Robyn,) Mr. Turtley was released back into the wild. His first instinct was to jump right back into the water, but for the 5 minutes that he was sprinting for the water, we were yelling that it was too late for him to go back, the water would be too cold, and he'd surely die. Ignoring our yelling, he dove head-first into the water and was never seen again. However, sometimes, late at night, when no-one is around, you can hear Mr. Turtley attempting to climb various things around the room and eventually getting himself flipped over. He enjoyed doing that.
Thus is the tale of Mr. Turtley, as it was, and is today. May his soul rest in peace, and may he get lots of turtle poontang, wherever he may be.
Also, I would like to point out the fact that my fish, Bob the Betta, is the second coming of Jesus Christ. On the drive to ESU this year I had accidentally spilled him and the contents of his tank into my lap. Luckily a convenience store was nearby. So I bought some bottled water for him to live in. The water was refrigerated, and I assume it was too cold for him, so he died. People passing by noticed the dead fish, and commented on how sad it was. When the trolley came to pick up my stuff, I lifted the tank and almost as if right out of Mel Gibson's movie, he had risen again and started swimming around his home. He never eats, he never sleeps, he just floats there, ever the watchful eye. Might I add that the life expectancy for a Betta is one full year, which he has long surpassed. He's lived in dirty water, he's been overfed, underfed, and we have come to believe over time that he has psionic powers. I try to feed him on a regular basis, but I only see him eat one pellet of food every month or so. They're supposed to eat 10 to 12 pellets A DAY. His psionic powers may explain why I never see him eat; maybe he feeds himself while we're not looking. So based on the factual evidence that I have given, it is obvious that Bob the Betta is none other than our Lord and Savior. Which makes it a little difficult to have fun in the room; it's creepy to know you're always being watched by an omnipotent being. Kinda like when you're a kid and your parents tell you, "Don't do that, Santa Claus is watching." It makes you second-guess things like drowning the family cat in a tub full of Pepto-bismol. Not that I did that as a child.
Other than things with various animals, my college career has been kinda slow. I have decided that college is not the right place for me, and at semester I am dropping out and living in a house right off campus with my good old buddy James (AKA Queerbie McQueerberton). However, I don't have a job, and currently I hold $20 to my name. Rent and utilities are about $200 a month, so I'm a long ways off, especially considering the fact that I'm moving into the house in less than a month. Luckily though, I have a good computer, a 32" TV, a fridge, two beds, two dressers, a desk, a stereo, my PS2 and lots of other things. So if worse comes to worse, I can just move all my stuff out on the street and make a make-shift house out of it. Sadly, though, it would probably cover the entirety of Emporia, so I couldn't get much privacy.
As far as my love life is concerned, shit sucks. I'm lonely and none of the things that I think are going to work out end up doing so. I'm trying not to let myself get down about it, however, because as I learned from my short-lived relationship with Robyn, girls are FUCKED UP. One of life's finer lessons. So lately I've been somewhat flaunting my singularity on the market, but am not getting entirely desperate yet.
As far as Kristine goes, I thought everything was fine with her; I thought that I was over her and ready to move on. After many drunken visions and nightmares/fantasies, I realized that this is not the case. However, if it comes down to it and on the off-handed chance that she comes back to me, I believe I am ready this time to tell her no. Not that it matters, because she's currently dating a girl (which I might add makes me feel SPECTACULAR), and I'm not sure I could handle the way she's turning her life. But that's another story for another time.
Let's see, what else do I need to summarize...
After my hair growing to ridiculous lengths and the eventual realization that I'm an emo kid at heart, I was forced to cut my hair. It was cut Wednesday night, and it will be dearly missed. Maybe not by other people, but by me. Oh well, I wouldn't work out as an emo kid anyway; I'm not skinny enough.
Other than that tragic turn of events, I feel I've covered most of the main points in my 3-month absence. So with that, I bid you adieu, and I'm off to bed because I'm fucking tired.
Until the next full moon,
~TJ |
|
|
| Office Space Day! 2005! |
[Aug. 16th, 2005|11:07 pm] |
|
Here are some photos from this year's Office Space Day. This years celebrators include: John, Cambry, Ryan, his girlfriend Mandy, and myself.
We held it tonight. Enjoy the pictures! And no, we didn't set the corn field on fire.
But yeah, packing tonight and going to ESU tomorrow, so I need to go.
Until tomorrow (if I can get my internet up),
~TJ
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|
|
| short update |
[Aug. 16th, 2005|02:32 am] |
I'm leaving in one day. After today (or tomorrow depending on how you look at it.) I'm fucking excitatated. And yes, I just spoke like the weird guys that are obsessed with the fucking shoopufs from FFX. So fuck off.
Today was my last day at work. I'm relieved but at the same time sad. I really liked that job. Oh well.
Anyway, I'm off to bed, so this'll be a short update.
Until tomorrow,
~TJ |
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|
| interesting night. |
[Aug. 15th, 2005|12:29 am] |
| [ | My disposition during this post: |
| | ecstatic | ] |
| [ | What I'm listening to currently: |
| | "Grand Theft Autumn" by Fallout Boy | ] |
So I went to the party. And we all got really drunk. It was great.
And I ended up in a bed with Shannon and Emma. Emma is Anna's sister. Anna is the girl that was throwing the party, and a pretty good friend of mine. So Shannon left, and Emma and I crashed out on the bed. Well I wake up the next morning, and the next thing I know I'm nibbling on her ear. I really don't know why. Things start progressing and we start making out. Then we both realized what we were doing, and stopped. It was kinda awkward after that.
The first thought that went through my mind was, "What would Anna do if she found out?" I was kinda scared, but I talked to her about it tonight... she wasn't angry. She thought it was funny.
But anyway, work tonight was alright. Kristine came up and talked to me about some things I've been doing that I probably shouldn't have been. Surprisingly, she wasn't angry, she just wanted to know how I felt about things. And I feel she had EVERY right to be angry. In fact, I told her that I was being an asshole and wouldn't blame her at all for yelling at me. But she didn't. She kept a level head and explained how it made her feel.
I work tomorrow, and then I pack on Tuesday. And Wednesday, I fucking leave this place! So excited. And I have a shitload of alcohol left... JW and I are gonna get hammered when we get up there.
But anyway, I don't really have anything else to talk about, so I'm gonna go.
Until tomorrow,
~TJ |
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| EVEN MORE random shit from _rairai_'s journal. |
[Aug. 14th, 2005|11:49 pm] |
|
Rules: Bold the following that are true about you, italicize things you wish were true, add one true thing about you.
• I miss somebody right now.
• I don’t watch much TV these days.
• I love olives.
• I own lots of books.
• I wear glasses or contact lenses.
• I love to play video games.
• I’ve tried marijuana.
• I’ve watched porn movies.
• I have been in a threesome.
• I have been the psycho-ex in a past relationship.
• I believe honesty is usually the best policy.
• I curse sometimes.
• I have changed a lot mentally over the last year.
• I carry my knife/razor everywhere with me.
• I’m TOTALLY smart.
• I’ve broken someone’s bones.
• I have a secret that I am ashamed to reveal.
• I hate the rain.
• I’m paranoid at times.
• I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free.
• I need money right now.
• I love sushi.
• I talk really, really fast.
• I have fresh breath in the morning.
• I have long hair.
• I have lost money in Las Vegas.
• I have at least one sibling.
• I was born in a country outside of the US.
• I have worn fake hair/fingernails/eyelashes in the past.
• I couldn’t survive without Caller I.D.
• I like the way that I look.
• I have lied to a good friend in the last 6 months.
• I know how to cornrow.
• I am usually pessimistic.
• I have a lot of mood swings.
• I think prostitution should be legalized.
• I think Britney Spears is pretty.
• I slept with a Suitemate.
• I have a hidden talent.
• I’m always hyper no matter how much sugar I have.
• I have a lot of friends.
• I am currently single.
• I have pecked someone of the same sex.
• I enjoy talking on the phone.
• I practically live in sweatpants or PJ pants
• I love to shop.
• Enjoy window shopping.
• I would rather shop than eat.
• I would classify myself as ghetto.
• I’m bourgie and have worn a sweater tied around my shoulders.
• I’m obsessed with my Xanga or Livejournal.
• I don’t hate anyone. I dislike them.
• I’m a pretty good dancer.
• I’m completely embarrassed to be seen with my mother.
• I have a cell phone.
• I believe in (a) God.
• I watch MTV on a daily basis.
• I have passed out drunk in the past 6 months.
• I’ve rejected someone before.
• I currently like someone.
• I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life.
• I want to have children in the future.
• I have changed a diaper before.
• I’ve called the cops on a friend before.
• I am a member of the Tom Green fan club.
• I’m not allergic to anything.
• I have a lot to learn.
• I have been with someone at least 10 years older or younger.
• I am shy around the opposite sex.
• I’m online 24/7, even as an away message.
• I have at least 5 away messages saved.
• I have tried alcohol or drugs before.
• I have made a move on a friend’s significant other or crush in the past.
• I own the "South Park" movie.
• I have avoided assignments at work/school to be on Xanga or Livejournal.
• When I was a kid I played "the birds and the bees" with a neighbor or chum
• I enjoy some country music.
• I would die for my best friends.
• I think that Pizza Hut has the best pizza.
• I watch soap operas whenever I can.
• I’m obsessive, and often a perfectionist.
• I have used my sexuality to advance my career.
• I love Michael Jackson, scandals and all.
• I know all the words to Slick Rick’s "Children’s Story".
• Halloween is awesome because you get free candy.
• I watch Spongebob Squarepants and I like it.
• I have dated a close friend’s ex.
• I like surveys/memes.
• I am happy at this moment.
• I’m obsessed with guys.
• Democrat.
• Conservative Republican.
• I am punk rockish.
• I am preppy.
• I go for older guys/girls, not younger.
• I study for tests most of the time.
• I tie my shoelaces differently from anyone I’ve ever met.
• I can work on a car.
• I love my job.
• I am comfortable with who I am right now.
• I have more than just my ears pierced.
• I walk barefoot wherever I can.
• I have jumped off a bridge
• I love sea turtles.
• I spend ridiculous amounts of money on makeup.
• I believe in prophetic dreams.
• I plan on achieving a major goal/dream.
• I am proficient on a musical instrument.
• I worked at McDonald’s restaurant.
• I hate office jobs.
• I love sci-fi movies.
• I think water rules.
• I went to college out of state.
• I am adopted.
• I like sausage.
• I am a pyro.
• I love the Red Sox.
• I have thrown up from crying too much.
• I have been intentionally hurt by people that I loved.
• I love kisses.
• I fall for the worst people and have been hurt every time
• I adore bright colors.
• I love Dear Abby
• I can’t live without black eyeliner.
• I think school is awesome.
• I think pigtails serve a purpose.
• I don’t know why the hell I just did this stupid thing.
• I usually like covers better than originals.
• I don’t like multi-textured ice cream.
• I think John Cusack is adorable.
• I fucking hate chain theme restaurants like Applebees and TGIFridays
• I watch Food Network way too much.
• I love coaching youth sports.
• I can pick up things with my toes.
• I can’t whistle.
• I can move my tongue in waves, much like a snakes’ slither.
• I have ridden/owned a horse.
• I still have every journal I’ve ever written in.
• I can’t stick to a diet.
• I talk in my sleep.
• I’ve often thought that I was born in the wrong century.
• I try to forget things by drowning them out with loads of distractions
• Climbing trees is a brilliant past-time.
• I have jazz in my blood.
• I would not be friends if they weren’t family.
• I wear a toe ring.
• I have a tattoo.
• I love vaginas.
• I can't stand at LEAST one person that I work with.
• I am a caffeine junkie.
• I know who Santos L. Halper is.
• I read trashy romance novels and I am ashamed
• I am completely tree-huggy spiritual, and I'm not ashamed at all.
• If I knew I would get away with it, I would commit at least one murder.
• I cosplay or know what cosplaying is.
• I have been to over 15 conventions.
• I will collect anything, and the more nonsensical, the better.
• I enjoy a nice glass of wine with dinner.
• I'm an artist.
• My grammar skills are nearly perfect.
• I fucking hate people who censor themselves because they feel bad about typing out the god damned word.
• I love America, despite its vast problems and its government's lack of solutions.
• I love baseball.
• I have a chronic (lifelong) illness.
• As much as I love my solitude, I need to be around other people sometimes.
• I hate my body doing things for no reason.
• I can fly a plane.
• I wish I were a cyborg.
• Although I don't believe in ESP/psychic visions/deja vu, it all happens to me quite frequently.
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|
| short short short update |
[Aug. 13th, 2005|01:38 pm] |
| [ | My disposition during this post: |
| | excited | ] |
PARTY TONIGHT!!! WOOO!!!
I had Anna's sister buy me another liter of SoCo... so yeah, a bunch of alcohol poisoning for all.
Anyway, that's all for now.
~TJ |
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| FIVE DAYS! |
[Aug. 12th, 2005|03:04 am] |
|
So I woke up this morning... still drunk. After 14 hours of sleep.
And I think that's the ONLY reason I didn't have a hangover this morning.
I was out of it ALL DAY at work. And oddly enough, when I got in my car, I couldn't drive... as if I was still drunk.
Hopefully I still have a brain left... I'm still not quite thinking clearly.
While I was at work, I found a red shiny coin purse outside... with a lot of money in it. I kept it until we closed, somewhat hoping the person would come looking for it. But they didn't. So it's mine now. There's really nothing I can do about it.
Right now I'm trying to deal with my friend John. He's going through this big long "I'm not a human" thing because no-one understands him and the like. I don't know what to say to him... I'm drawing complete blanks for the first time in a long time. And maybe I'm just starting to change again. Maybe I'm losing the ability to give perfect advice whenever someone has a problem. And I don't mind that one bit.
He just went to bed.
My stomach's been acting up all day... with some problems I'm not going to mention due to their disgustingness.
Also, I leave for ESU in 5 DAYS! I'm fucking excited.
And I'm holding a party at Anna's house this saturday. We're gonna get fucking DRUNK! I'm excited again.
Anyway, my ADD has officially taken over this post, and I really have nothing else to say (that I can think of off-hand) so I'm going to go, unless I think of something later.
So later.
~TJ
Also, I leave for ESU in 5 DAYS! I'm fucking excited.
And I'm holding a party at Anna's house this saturday. We're gonna get fucking DRUNK! I'm excited again. |
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| More random shit from _rairai_'s journal. |
[Aug. 12th, 2005|02:56 am] |
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Type "(your name) is" with the quotes, into Google and then search. Then pick out your favorite 5 responses. Copy, then repost your responses.
TJ is the Gospel of Matthew.
TJ is at the whim and mercy of his parole officers and the well-known inaccuracy of drug testing.
Yes, T.J. is down, but he is never, ever out!
I think T.J. is frustrated sometimes with Kali as he pursues her but she does not allow him to mount her.
Little TJ is getting ready for the day with a little "pit stop" on the changing table.
There's my five. And there were so many other good ones, it was difficult to pick just five. |
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| Druckin' Funk. |
[Aug. 11th, 2005|04:24 am] |
| [ | My disposition during this post: |
| |  drunk | ] |
| [ | What I'm listening to currently: |
| | "Run" by Snow Patrol | ] |
I got some alcohol today, Valerie's friend bought it for me. I got back home and Kristine was there. Not only that, Greg decided to chew my ass and take away the gas card. Kristine and I talked for a little while, then I decided to go get drunk with her, Valerie, and some other people.
I met Cameron today. I feel a lot better now that I've actually TALKED to him. He's taking really good care of Kristine and as long as that's true, I'm at peace with their relationship.
We talked a lot about myself, about Kristine, and just shit in general. I told him things he needed to look out for when it comes to Kristine, I told him that he's safe with me because I'm not going to try to do anything with Kristine while she's with him... etc.
But yeah, I've never been as drunk as I am now. I drank 2/3s of a LITER of SoCo... and a few shots of Hot Damn!. So yeah, I'm fucking wasted.
Kristine was throwing up and Cameron couldn't get back to Newton, so I offered to let him crash at my place until I sobered up enough to drive him home. He came over for a bit, but then Lupe called, came and took him back to Newton. I guess it's better than Cameron having to wait for me to sober up, but still, I enjoyed talking to him and I wish I could talk to him more.
Really though, Cameron's cool as shit. It really puts me at peace with Kristine. A lot.
However, since I'm really drunk and about to pass out... plus I have nothing really of importance other than what I have already mentioned to talk about, I'm going to go.
Until my next update,
~TJ |
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| Randomness. |
[Aug. 10th, 2005|04:01 am] |
Respond with your name and I will tell you the following random things about you...
I'll tell you what song/movie reminds me of you.
I'll pick a flavor of jello to wrestle with you in.
I'll say something that only makes sense to you and me.
I'll tell you my first memory of you.
I'll tell you what animal you remind me of.
I'll ask you something that I've always wondered about you.
If I do this for you, you must post this on your journal. You MUST. It is written. |
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| zeeky boogy doog! |
[Aug. 10th, 2005|01:29 am] |
| [ | My disposition during this post: |
| |  complacent | ] |
Hello.
Today was pretty boring. I didn't get to sleep last night (for some reason unbeknownst to me) until about 7:00 AM. I passed out watching the shuttle come in.
Then I woke up at 4:15 and had to be at work at 4:45. I had so much shit to do, I didn't have time to shower. Suckitude. And now it's 1:35, I'm not tired at all, and I have to be at work at 11:00 AM. So I really don't know how that's going to work out. Then I have to work the next two days at 5... I have saturday off, but then I have to work sunday and monday... then I have to pack for ESU, when I leave on Wednesday. So I have a busy week ahead of me. Almost no time to see my friends before I leave.
I found someone who'd be willing to buy me alcohol. I told them "Buy me the biggest bottle of SoCo 100 you can find... and I'll pay you back for it. I hope they do.
At work today, time went by ridiculously slow.
At 11:05, 5 minutes after we closed, Kristine came up with Katie, her little shit of a brother and Cameron. They rattled the door until I opened it. The whole time they were yelling "LET US IN!!!" You know what? We were fucking closed. I was in the process of doing my goddamn close work. Katie came to buy a fucking bag of M&Ms. That's it. And Kristine didn't even acknowledge the fact that I was there. I don't know why she's angry at me, I didn't do shit to her. She came in earlier tonight and was real quiet and didn't really converse with me all that much... So I don't know.
Then I went to cambry's and hung out for a while. I really didn't do anything. But now I'm home and I'm still not doing anything.
However, I think I'm going to go, I don't have anything to talk about and I have to work early tomorrow so I should try to get some sleep.
Until tomorrow,
~TJ |
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| comfortably numb. |
[Aug. 9th, 2005|03:12 am] |
| [ | My disposition during this post: |
| | calm | ] |
| [ | What I'm listening to currently: |
| | THE WHITE STRIPES! Wooloo! | ] |
Today I was an emotionless drone... and I loved every second of it.
No anger for Kristine being a bitch.
No sadness that she was gone.
No happiness that I'm moving to Emporia in 8 days.
No lament for the fact that I have to work the next four days consecutively.
Nothing. Not a god damned thing.
I wrote a poem today. To those of you reading who aren't Cambry or John, you won't understand it. But we do, and it's fucking hilarious.
Untitled.
Words equal Satan.
Girls equal evil.
And Stevis equals three.
Like I said, it won't make sense to anyone out there that doesn't know the backstory. But know that it's hilarious to my friends and myself.
In other news, my friends and I are going to hold an official "office space day" before I leave. For those of you who don't know what an "office space day" is, it's a holiday I invented where we bring every useless piece of machinery/gadgetry/crap we can find to a place out in the country (we have a place dedicated to this.) And we demolish everything. So far we have an old computer and a stereo. Neither of which we want. We need to do some more scrounging though before we hold the sacred holiday. Maybe go to a few garage sales and things.
I'll be sure to take lots of pictures of the aftermath, as well as pictures of us in the act... then I'll put them on here for all of you to enjoy.
I'm about ready to kick Lupe's ass. Nothing else happened since my last post, but I'm just getting really really tired of him.
But anyway, all in all, I had a really good day. I hung out with Cambry, we went to Newton to eat and found John at Moka's, then we all went back to Cambry's house and shot the shit for a while. My kind of day.
Other than that, I've just been sitting here. Relaxing. Feeling the calm. Hopefully not the calm before the storm... maybe the calm after the storm.
So I don't really have anything else to report.
I'm gonna go for now, I'll post tomorrow after I get home from work and probably Cambry's afterwards.
Until then,
~TJ |
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| Happy fucking Birthday. |
[Aug. 8th, 2005|03:46 am] |
| [ | My disposition during this post: |
| | depressed | ] |
| [ | What I'm listening to currently: |
| | "Wake Me Up When September Ends" by Green Day | ] |
Today was the worst birthday I've EVER had. Aside from my mother inviting Kristine to my birthday lunch, a bunch of other shitty things happened.
When Kristine was over for lunch, the ONLY fucking thing she could talk about was Cameron, and shit that she knew would piss me off. For example, she told me that she'd been spending the night at his house. She rarely (if ever) stayed with me past 1:00 AM and she's known this guy a week; she's up with him past 5:00 AM nearly every day.
She was over for a total of about an hour, then left to go be with Cameron. I'm fucking glad that my birthday means about as much as a shit to her.
So I called Ryan, we went to Newton, utterly bored, until I decided enough was enough around 5:00.
After I got back home, Kristine called again. She was coming over in "15 to 20 minutes", which ended up turning into an hour and a half. Then we sat there and talked about nothing in my room for about 10 minutes, when we were forced to go downstairs and play cards with my mom. Kristine left after a while, and after my stepdad started being a dick, I left. I called Tricia to see what they were doing. So she, Jenna, and Orp invited me to go to Newell's with them. So I went. Things were fun... until we got there. Of course, as if fate itself was pissing on me, Kristine was there with Cameron and Lupe. Cameron got her a "really sweet" card and a beautiful necklace. So of course, she was crying. Then they left. Kristine left her keys in the restaurant, so she had Cameron come back inside and get them. Unbeknownst to me, while Cameron was inside, I apparently gave him a "dirty look."
The next thing I know, Kristine comes back in to the restaurant and gives me the angry curling finger, signalling "Come here." I had no possible idea what she could have been angry about, so I went over there. She said, "Do you have a problem with my boyfriend?" And I stared blankly at her. After a while, I shrugged my shoulders and gave her the confused look. She said "Cameron said while he was in here looking for my keys, you shot him a really nasty look." Again, I was stupified. I told her, "I really just don't know what you're talking about. I didn't give him a dirty look. I'm not going to lie to you, I was looking at him, but if I really did give him a "dirty look", it was purely accidental. THere was no malice in my eyes."
She then apologized for chewing my ass before she got my side of the story. She gave me a hug and asked if I was mad. At the time, I wasn't, so I replied, "No." She then tried to excuse herself by saying, "I just didn't want to leave angry at you without having your side of the story." Yeah fucking right. I think that the more likely scenario is that she was looking for an excuse to chew my ass, and up until that point, she thought she had it. So she wished me a happy birthday and left. Wow. Directly AFTER chewing my ass, she wishes me a happy birthday. Glad to know that she fucking cares.
After the encounter, I went back to the table, where Tricia was on the phone with Lupe. He had called asking where I was because Kristine was coming to chew my ass. Fuck Lupe. Fuck him in his dirty bisexual mexican ass. He had apparently told Cameron to "stay away from me" beceause Lupe wasn't sure how I'd react. Lupe, you don't fucking know me. Don't tell people shit about me that isn't true so they make untrue judgments about me before they know me.
So I sat back down at the table, not saying a word. Tricia said, "Did Kristine find you?" And I slowly said "... yeah..." Then she asked what she chewed my ass for. I explained, then she said, "Wow... So she really just chewed your ass?" I said "Yeah." Then I explained that I can't do anything right when it comes to Kristine. She said, "Can anybody?" And I said, "No. But it's much worse with me." She replied, "Yeah, I noticed that. When you were together if you said hardly ANYTHING, she'd freak out and not talk to you." Then I explained my confliction. I said "Part of me just says 'fuck her, she's a cuntrag, and you'll find a girl up in Emporia that'll treat you right and actually DESERVES you.', whereas the other part of me says 'She may be a cunt rag, but she can also be a wonderful person.'" Then Jenna came back and interjected a random comment, which is when the subject was dropped.
I spent the rest of the night, nearly silent.
On the way home, Jenna poked me and asked, "Are you okay?" I meekly said "Yeah." Which was a blatant lie, and I'm sure she saw right through it. I just didn't want to drag everyone else down worse than I already was.
I dropped them off back at the apartment and went to Bri's. We talked for a little bit, then I left. And I've been here writing ever since. I'm writing this in a notebook because my internet's down right now. When it gets back up, I'll transfer it.
So other than when I first met up with Tricia, Jenna, and Orp, I spent my entire birthday fucking depressed. I don't feel 19. I don't feel like yesterday was even my birthday.
And so since I got home I've been thinking about suicide. I'm not going to do anything, I'm just thinking about it... a lot. I'm tired of these dark thoughts. I don't want to do this anymore. I just need to find someone that makes me really happy and I'll be okay.
I have to say, though, now that I've met Cameron, I feel so much better about myself. Kristine said that he was "Really hot"... I must be a fucking supermodel in her eyes. However, she was always kinda blah about me. She'd only admit that my eyes were attractive, never making me feel attractive as a person. Plus, his little stunt with the card and the necklace just kinda shouted out "hack" to me. I'm sorry, I think that the girl should be surprised once in a while, but they've been dating a week, and he's doing all these "sweet" things for her like he's been married to her for 10 years. Maybe I'm just jealous, but I find it to be a little bit more than ridiculous. If anyone's reading and thinks I'm wrong, please, call me out on it. I want to know if I'm at least partially on base here.
Other than the shittaculality of my birthday, I have nothing to talk about. So I'll post tomorrow.
Until then,
~TJ |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 5th, 2005|04:52 pm] |
| [ | My disposition during this post: |
| | blah | ] |
| [ | What I'm listening to currently: |
| | "Holiday" by Green Day | ] |
Hey all,
I just got back from my second (and final) vacation this year. And boy, was it interesting.
I had a few interesting dreams, to say the least. One of them was a song. No song I'd ever heard, I guess a song I had made up in my mind. It was really good too. I just wished I had wrote down the lyrics when I had woken up... I don't really remember them now, but what I do remember was that it was about Kristine. It was a very emo song about how she had screwed me over.
My second dream involved me making out (and possibly more?) with my friend Tricia for LONG periods of time. I don't know where this dream came from or why it happened, but it's just a dream.
I got a call while I was on vacation, it was Kristine telling me that she had a date with this guy she randomly met at a club... which I was cool with. In fact I was happy for her.
But then I got another call the next day, where she told me that she fucked him (on their FIRST DATE!) and now they were dating. I couldn't help but think it was really fucked up. I tried to tell her that if she really likes this guy, she needs to be careful and make sure he respects her, because it's possible that he'll just see her as a whore or a piece of ass. Then she went off on me and claimed that I had called her a whore. Which I had not. Then of course, it turned into personal attacks against me. Which always seems to happen.
The night after that I called her to say hi. She was over at his house. I had to get some things off my chest about it. For example, she told me that the main reason we were breaking up was because she wanted to be single and be able to date around when she went to college, and now she's dating this guy she met three days ago. She got angry and claimed that she shouldn't have to explain herself to me.
These three nights I got less than three hours of sleep. I was up until 7 and woke up about 10.
The night after that last phone call, I woke up... and my eye hurt. I knew exactly what was wrong. I went into the bathroom, turned on the light, and sure enough, I had another ulcer in my eye. It's still fucking with me. I got some prescription eyedrops and hopefully it'll go away. Now, I know what you're thinking, "What the fuck? An ulcer IN THE EYE? That's not possible!" I thought the same thing. But it is... oh dear god it is.
As a positive side-note, however, I can at least open my eye today, unlike yesterday where every time I'd try to open it, searing pain would shoot through the right side of my head.
So Josh, Ryan, and I left today, whereas my parents are leaving tomorrow. I had to take Josh home. I was hoping maybe I could call someone and have them come over so I wasn't lonely... no dice. I'm sitting here all alone; I can't get ahold of anybody. This fucking sucks.
In other news, my birthday is in two days! (on the 7th.) I'm not sure what's going to happen, but more likely than not, I'll be kidnapped by my friends, who'll want to surprise me and do something good for me. Hopefully I'll actually have a good birthday this year. Hey, no girlfriend to dump me on it, that's a plus. But anyway, I'm kinda excited.
But anyway, other than all of that, there isn't much to talk about. I'm just going to go for now.
Later.
~TJ |
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|
| hmm. |
[Jul. 28th, 2005|03:27 am] |
| [ | My disposition during this post: |
| | blah | ] |
Nothing to talk about.
So I'm not going to post anything.
Except for the fact that I have nothing to talk about.
Which I already did.
So I'm going to go now.
Bye, everybody.
~TJ |
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| Weird random instructions I found from _rairai_'s journal. |
[Jul. 27th, 2005|04:21 am] |
1. Go into your LJ's archives.
2. Find your 23rd post (or closest to).
3. Find the fifth sentence (or closest to).
4. Post the text of the sentence in your blog along with these instructions.
5th sentence of the 23rd post:
"Then I woke up."
Doesn't really mean anything to me. Another bullshit spammy thing on the internet. |
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| 3AM= WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOO |
[Jul. 27th, 2005|03:12 am] |
| [ | My disposition during this post: |
| | hyper | ] |
| [ | What I'm listening to currently: |
| | "Holiday" by Green Day | ] |
I just got home from Cambry's. I'm fucking hyper as hell.
So I found out more about Matt's death. Apparently what happened is he left his car running, and he tried to light some charcoal in his car to suffocate himself with carbon monoxide. However, something went wrong. I don't know what but I have a theory. What actually happened was somehow he lit himself on fire. I think maybe he was trying to put lighter fluid on the charcoal and somehow got it allover himself... then decided "aw, fuck it" and lit the charcoal. Of course, we all know that lighter fluid is extremely flammable... which probably led to himself being lit on fire.
I can't help but feel bad but at the same time I can't help but feel angry. I have huge moral opposition to suicide, as I've mentioned before, but I never really explained what or why. At a young age, my grandfather (who was the sweetest man in the world) was diagnosed with an incurable degenerative brain disease that in less than five years would mostly render him a vegetable. He wouldn't be able to remember his family, his life, or ANYTHING. His children would have to take care of him, and he didn't want that. So one morning, while my grandmother was at church, he went into the garage, opened the door, and took his old army rifle and shot himself. I cried a lot... and after some time I got to the age where depression was a huge part of my life. I came close to taking my own life, but then I remembered how I felt when my grandfather had killed himself. I remembered that everyone cried for days or months. I remembered that every year since his death, on the anniversary, my mom would spend the entire day crying her eyes out. I didn't want to do that to anybody. So I stopped.
And therein lies my opposition. I realize that sometimes life is hard but killing yourself only makes life hard for the people that truly care about you. To me, at least, suicide is a selfish act. Those who commit it don't think it through, don't really care about the repercussions that their "easy way out" will cause down the road.
I realize that Matt was troubled. I realize that he had some issues. And I'm sorry for him. However, I still cannot help but be angry at him for not caring. For not thinking about the consequences of what he did.
I'm sorry if it makes me insensitive, but I think I have a right to be angry. No-one likes death, and to bring it upon those who love you intentionally only makes things worse.
Work tonight sucked. I was tired and my back hurt like a bitch... I could use a back rub. Really really bad. But alas, no girlfriend to help me with that problem.
A set of lyrics has been playing over and over in my mind lately. They belong to "Jesus of Suburbia" by Green Day.
"Dearly beloved, are you listening?
I can't remember a word that you are saying.
Are we demented or am I disturbed?
The space that's inbetween insane and insecure.
Oh, therapy, can you please fill the void?
Am I retarded, or am I just overjoyed?
Nobody's perfect, and I stand accused,
For lack of a better word, and that's my best excuse."
I don't know what that means.
In other news, in fact news that I haven't quite gone into depth yet until now, both my deja vu and my ESP-esque visions are coming back... strong. I never quite explained it but when my deja vu or my visions start, I know something bad's about to happen. Something big. And the more frequent they occur, the closer the aforementioned event is. For a while there, nothing was going on, and I was happy about that. But lately it's been happening a lot. Last night I had three instances of deja vu in a three-hour period. I didn't have any visions, but I know some are coming. I had one when I deciphered that Kristine was trying to start something with TC. I haven't had either one occur today, and I'm hoping that maybe Matt's death was the event in which my visions led up to, but I'm skeptical.
The vision I was most scared about but finally subsided was the one where one of my friends died. I had narrowed it down to either Jenna or Bri. I'd like to think that telling them might've influenced my vision, might've changed the "inevitable", so to speak. But I don't know.
All in all, I don't believe in ESP or related matters. But it happens to me. I try to pass it off, to excuse it, but I know I can't. I can't deny that it happens to me.
Kristine criticized me when I told her about my visions and my deja vu. She spoke to me as if I were retarded. She just laughed and said "You actually think you're psychic." It hurts.
She was supposed to call me today. We were supposed to talk about Matt and stuff. Never got a fucking call.
Sometimes I don't know if she's 8 or 18.
But anyway, back to my anomalies. I really feel like I should explore them more, see if they have any practical purpose. So far, the only two really big psychic experiences I've had was randomly once while I was talking to Jenna, and another time while I was sitting down and talking with Bri for hours at a time.
So my plan is to sit down and talk with Bri. For hours at a time. See if anything happens. The trouble is getting her alone, however. She's always with Nate, and when she's not, she's stuck at home.
I'd love to think that all this is just pure bullshit and I'm imagining it all. But it's all too real. Too close. Too... exact. I just don't know what to think about it anymore. On one hand, I use logic and say that ESP isn't possible... but on the other hand I fucking experience it.
Anyway, enough about this shit. I'm drained and I'm going to end my post here.
See you later.
~TJ |
|
|
| aw shit |
[Jul. 26th, 2005|10:43 am] |
| [ | My disposition during this post: |
| |  shocked | ] |
So I get a call this morning from a place up in Emporia that wanted to hire me. Apparently they needed help right away and didn't notice that I had put on there that I couldn't work until 8/17. She made herself look like a dumbass though. She accused me of not putting on my application that I couldn't work until then, but she looked over it a second time and said "Oh, there it is." So she said if she needs any help by then, she'll call me. But it's doubtful.
I got another call from Kristine this morning. She was asking me for Valerie's phone number. She was crying. I asked her if she was okay, and she said "No, Matt Yost killed himself." Then she explained what happened and said that she was going to go.
Needless to say, I'm speechless. Matt was a great guy with lots of potential... and now he's fucking dead. Dead and gone, and the world will just go on without him. It's sad. I've just been sitting here mulling it over in my mind. I really don't know what to do. I mean, he wasn't a good friend of mine but I really liked him. And I think we need more people in the world like Matt. And now he's gone. I just can't believe it.
But anyway, I'm going to go, because I have nothing to talk about, I just woke up.
I'll post later.
~TJ |
|
|
| lonely. |
[Jul. 26th, 2005|02:59 am] |
| [ | My disposition during this post: |
| |  discontent | ] |
| [ | What I'm listening to currently: |
| | The Queen of the Damned Soundtrack | ] |
Run - Snow Patrol
John's birthday was great. We watched Wedding Crashers, but the movie depressed the hell out of me. I know, it's fucked up, but it's the same reason that I cried during Mr. Deeds. I just can't stand to watch movie romances without thinking of my own love life.
Ryan and I went out to the place by the interstate today... good memories. Memories of the old days when everything was perfect.
It just makes me realize how much I miss everything.
Other than that, I'm drawing a blank and my mind's fried, so I'll just post tomorrow after work.
Good night.
~TJ |
|
|
| tuckin' fired. |
[Jul. 25th, 2005|03:00 am] |
| [ | My disposition during this post: |
| | tired | ] |
| [ | What I'm listening to currently: |
| | nothing yet | ] |
So I'm back from Texas...
I had fun... for the most part. The only part I didn't have fun was when people (most specifically my step-mom) judged me for stupid shit.
For example, I was trying to buy cigarettes down in Texas (because they're cheaper down there), and they wouldn't accept my ID because it was out of state. So my dad went in and bought them for me. Susan flipped out. For some reason she decided the best course of action would be to chew my dad out because I didn't need them or something. All he said was, "You know what, he's 18, 19 in less than a month. Let him make his own decisions." This is the same woman that wouldn't let me watch PG-13 movies when I was 17 because one time she saw a PG-13 movie that had boobs in it. You know what, I had sex when I was 16. I'm not going to be demoralized because I see some fucking boobs on a TV screen.
That and the fact that she constantly pushed my moral/religious views. She went off on the fact that I have no problem with gays, and was especially angry about the fact that I DEFENDED them. I'm tired of her thinking that all gays are going to hell. She can go fuck fred phelps in his ass for all I care.
I was pretty depressed the whole time I was there, though, mostly because I had a lot of time to think about shit. I still feel bad for what I did to Kristine, but I just have to keep reminding myself that when it all comes down to it, she treated me like shit and doesn't even care that I'm tearing myself apart. She doesn't have the feelings of regret that I do. She doesn't give a flying fuck. And that hurts.
Tomorrow's John's 19th birthday. I'm trying to put some shit together for us to do. So far I have us watching "Wedding Crashers", going out to dinner, and possibly going to the sex shop in Wichita so I can buy him a porn or something. I figure he'd like that.
I'm really fucking tired though, and I'm going to go upstairs and straight to bed. So this is the end of my post. I'll update a little more tomorrow, I just can't continue right now.
Good night.
~TJ |
|
|
| blah blah blah |
[Jul. 19th, 2005|01:43 am] |
| [ | My disposition during this post: |
| | complacent | ] |
| [ | What I'm listening to currently: |
| | A bunch of George Carlin sketches | ] |
So I got Katamari Damacy today. I played it... a lot. It was great, I love it! I'm gonna play it ALL THE TIME when I'm down in Texas.
I'm leaving tomorrow, and not getting back until the 24th. So like I said, posts will be few and far between.
I didn't really have anything all that interesting happen today. Just hung out with John, Ryan, and Cambry (as usual), and packed up my stuff for tomorrow. I'm pretty sure I have *most* of what I need: Clothes, toiletries, and my PS2.
I also need to pack some pillows and similar items. You can never have too many pillows. It's a proven scientific fact.
I don't know what I'm going to do while I'm down in Texas. When it comes to me smoking, that is. I mean, I'm sure after the initial shock of everybody wears off and they realize that I smoke, it'll be okay, but (especially on the rides down and up) I'm gonna need some. I'll probably have some when we go to a gas station, etc.
As usual, I'm hungry but there's nothing to eat. Damn the luck.
I have to wonder if my dad's going to turn it into a big "bash TJ for not being a republican"-fest. I already know what I'm going to say if it comes down to it though. I'm going to say something like "Look, let's not be republicans and independents, let's not be pro or against the war, let's just be family... like we should be. I didn't come here to defend my viewpoints and I'm sure you didn't want me to come down here so you could defend yours. Let's just be a happy family and forget about the fact that we don't agree on everything."
But I don't really have anything to talk about. Another boring day.
I'll probably post tomorrow before I leave. I'm probably going to lurk the forums a bit and play a game before I go to bed.
Night all.
~TJ |
|
|
| another uneventful day... |
[Jul. 18th, 2005|02:01 am] |
| [ | My disposition during this post: |
| |  sleepy | ] |
| [ | What I'm listening to currently: |
| | "Your Guts (I hate 'em)" By Reel Big Fish | ] |
Nothing really happened today.
I went over to Ryan's, we watched "The Big Lebowski", then we just sat there and watched TV. His girlfriend showed up and I left soon after, because I was starting to feel like the 5th wheel.
Then I went over to Cambry's. Nothing exciting there either. He just sat there and played FF7, and I sat there and watched TV.
And here I am.
I'm going to Texas in TWO DAYS! I'm excited. I'm going to go to the post office tomorrow to check whether or not Katamari Damacy is in yet. It'd better fucking be here before I leave.
I'm tired, for once. However, I'm sure if I went upstairs and went to sleep, I'd just lie there for a while and not be able to. So instead I'm sitting down here, doing random worthless things on the internet. What better is there to do at 2:00 AM?
It's kinda hot in here. Or maybe I just feel hot. I'm not sure.
I kinda lost my sleepiness. Oh well, I'm sure I'll find something to do for the next few hours.
So yeah, I don't really have anything to talk about, and my ADD has taken over this update, so I'm just going to go.
Good night everybody.
~TJ |
|
|
| thank god |
[Jul. 17th, 2005|01:29 pm] |
| [ | My disposition during this post: |
| |  happy | ] |
So I got more sleep last night. And no dreams about her. I'm happy about that. Extremely happy.
However, I have nothing to talk about so I'm going to go. I'll just post later tonight.
~TJ |
|
|
| this shit just seems to keep happening... |
[Jul. 17th, 2005|03:18 am] |
| [ | My disposition during this post: |
| | calm | ] |
So I got a call from my mom this afternoon. Apparently Kristine called her last night while I was at Cambry's and told her that since her and I weren't getting along, she isn't going on vacation. Which was fine by me. But what WASN'T alright with me was the fact that she didn't have the balls (so to speak) to call me herself. So what did I do? I did what I should have done a long time ago. I called her and gave her the ass-chewing that she so rightly deserved. But it didn't last more than 5 minutes, eventually I just got the general cop-out I get from her ("Fuck you") followed by her hanging up on me. And then she turned her phone off, dropped my stuff off in my car and left to go hang out with some people.
I'm tired of not being able to voice my opinions. I guess fuck her, she isn't worth it... but I still want her to know how I feel. In all reality though, I kinda feel bad for what I did. Sure, I think she deserved it but I'm not sure I was the right guy to do it. That, and it's not my style to chew someone's ass. I generally just stew in whatever is pissing me off. Maybe this is the first step in something I've needed to do in a long time. Express my anger instead of bottling it up. It's difficult though, it makes me feel guilty and in general, I just don't like it. I did feel good for a little bit after I finally got a few things off of my chest, but after an hour or so, it really started to hit me that I was being an asshole.
I guess in general I'm just kinda torn. I think I needed to yell at her, but at the same time, I think it was immoral of me to do so, as well as being something that I don't generally condone or feel good about. I'm also pretty sure that this ruins any chance of Kristine and I being friends. Which sucks, but from the way she treated me, maybe it's what she wanted all along. And to be honest, I don't need ANOTHER friend that makes me regret being the person I am. Real friends don't do that... a big reason I'm counting the days until I move back to Emporia. August 17th at 10:00 AM. Although I'll probably show up a bit later, so I can sleep in before I go up there. Hopefully my roommates don't take the bottom bunks.
Enough about that though.
Nothing exciting happened today (other than that, of course). I sat over at Cambry's (as usual) and watched him play FF7 (again, as usual.) Not that I'm spiteful about it, I just need to meet some friends that aren't the hesstonites that want to go out and do shit. I love the hesstonites but they're always fucking busy. It's almost not worth calling them anymore.
Other than that, however, my day was entirely uneventful. So I'm going to leave, maybe call someone or play a game. I don't know.
See you later,
~TJ |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jul. 16th, 2005|02:39 pm] |
| [ | My disposition during this post: |
| | numb | ] |
Alright, so I went back to sleep after my last post... and I had ANOTHER dream. Not a nightmare this time, but a dream. For some reason we were naked and my parents were sitting there. And for some other reason she wanted me to press myself *ahem* against her back. Then I woke up.
This is getting ridiculous. I don't know what to do. I can't stop fucking dreaming about her.
I went to the post office and there was a slip in the mailbox for a package. I was excited. But it ended up being something for my step-dad... so I left it there. I was let down.
Oh well.
I can't get ahold of Cambry either. I'm bored as shit, and I don't have anything to do. He's probably out delivering papers.
Oh well again.
Anyway, I think I'm gonna go... I just wanted to update about my dream.
I'll post later tonight.
~TJ |
|
|
| AGAIN? |
[Jul. 16th, 2005|12:01 pm] |
| [ | My disposition during this post: |
| |  distressed | ] |
So I got some sleep last night... which was good.
But I had another nightmare about her. This time I woke up crying. I guess since this is starting to become a recurring event, I should start logging my dreams in here.
The dream that I had a few days ago involved her telling me that she'd had sex with four other guys after we had broken up. Including my friend Nicholas. When I woke up, it made me wonder, because that was the day she was in Ellsworth with TC. I'm sure she had absolutely no chance to do anything, but it still made me wonder.
My nightmare last night involved her telling me something like "I'm not even dating TC but I like him so much more than I ever liked you." And she said it as cold as she could, never caring that I was really hurt by that statement. In fact, it woke me up before I was ready, and so here I am, 12:00 PM and awake. I couldn't get back to sleep after that. But I'm fucking tired.
So what do I do? I don't want to dream about her, but I can't help it. As far as I know, there's no way to supress my dreams.
And the most annoying thing about it is that I rarely EVER remember my dreams. I'm sure I have good dreams every now and then, but I never know about them when I wake up. It angers me that I have no problem remembering THESE dreams, that when I wake up they are as clear as if they had actually happened.
I'm haunted. I don't know what to do. The ghost of her love is torturing me. And I really just don't know what to do. I'm afraid that this is going to happen again and again until finally either A.) I find another girl, or B.) it drives me insane and I do something stupid. I'm guessing the more likely scenario is B., however, I don't think I would ever be insane enough to commit suicide. I have huge moral oppositions to suicide.
Anyone out there that might be reading this, please give me some advice. I don't know what to do, and if you know of any way that I can NOT dream about her, please, I need to know.
In other news, my back hurts... a :LOT. I woke up this morning and it was killing me. I wonder if maybe the stress is starting to take its toll on me.
Other than that whole mess, there's nothing to talk about, because I just woke up. But I'll post later tonight.
~TJ |
|
|
| my god I needed a break. |
[Jul. 16th, 2005|02:00 am] |
| [ | My disposition during this post: |
| | drunk | ] |
| [ | What I'm listening to currently: |
| | "We Hate it When our Friends Become Successful" by R.B.F. | ] |
It was nice to get away from work... for once.
That, and the fact that John brought alcohol to Cambry's house. Old Crow Bourbon. Mmm...
So yeah, I was drunk. I'm sober now, but it was nice to forget about shit for a while. The only thing I could really think about was how I couldn't keep my head level and how I needed a cigarette.
My mind's drawing a blank.
In other news, I called ESU and found out that two of my three chosen room-mates are living with me next year. The other one decided to get an apartment off-campus, so more than likely we will be assigned a fourth room-mate at random. JW was pissed. But I'm sure if we DO get another roommate, he'll be fine. And if not, he has three other people that get along but don't like him to deal with. So more than likely, he'd move out at semester if problems arose.
I really don't know what else there is to talk about.
OH YEAH. While John was over, we watched horrible porn again. This one was "Spiderbabe" which was a COMPLETE ripoff of Spider-man. I really didn't want to, but I was drunk so I didn't care all that much.
I have to admit though, this one was fucking hilarious. She shot web from her vagina, and oddly enough nearly every fight scene turned into some sort of lesbian sex.
I'm really thirsty but I'm tired of fudgesicles. And I don't really want to drink water. Oh well, I guess I'll just deal with it.
I'm gonna go, because I don't really know what else to talk about. Nothing all that exciting happened, and I'd just sit here and let my ADD take over if I stayed. Chalk the last three comments or so up to that.
Anyway, yeah, I'm probably gonna lurk the 8-bt forums for a while and play a game or something.
Another post, another day.
~TJ |
|
|
| bullshit. |
[Jul. 15th, 2005|02:37 pm] |
| [ | My disposition during this post: |
| | annoyed | ] |
| [ | What I'm listening to currently: |
| | Reel Big Fish- We Hate It When Our Friends Become Successful | ] |
So I got some sleep last night. I fell asleep around 4:00 AM. However, I dreamed about her. In fact, it was a nightmare. I woke up angry from it, then realized it was just a dream, and then got angry because even when I'm asleep I think about her. I just want to move on. I just want to find someone better. Why does she plague my dreams as well as my consciousness?
I checked Katamari Damacy's order status today-- SHIPPED! Woo hoo! I still hope it gets here before I leave.
I'm gonna go though, because I don't have to work tonight, and as such, I'm going to try to find something to do. John's working until 8:00, and Cambry's probably around town delivering the paper. Ryan's at work, but other than that, there's gotta be someone that can do something... oh wait, those are pretty much all my friends. Nevermind.
I'll probably post later tonight.
Bye.
~TJ |
|
|
| grrrrrrrrrrrrrr |
[Jul. 15th, 2005|02:37 am] |
| [ | My disposition during this post: |
| | annoyed | ] |
So I couldn't sleep again last night. Second night consecutively that I was up until 9:30 AM.
I worked tonight... I was dead fucking tired. But you know what? Now that I'm home, I'm not tired, and I probably won't be able to sleep again. Good news is, I don't have to work until AFTER I get back from Texas, (which is on the 24th, by the way).
Kristine went to Ellsworth to see her grandparents today. Or so I thought. Today I found out that she had an alterior motive. It kinda aggravates me, although I don't know why.
Apparently, unless it's a huge coincidence, T.C. had a game tonight in Ellsworth. Hmm................ And Kristine's grandparents are in Ellsworth. Hmm............. And her leaving to go to Ellsworth seemed to come out of nowhere. I really am kinda disturbed by it. I shouldn't be, but it bothers me. A lot.
Katamari Damacy is STILL in the processing phase, although I ordered it a day or two ago. Hopefully I'll get it BEFORE I go to Texas. I'll be pissed if I don't.
Other than that though, there's nothing really worth noting. So, in accordance, I'm going to end my post until there is something worth noting (or until I feel like wasting more of my few readers' time.
Good night all.
~TJ
3:47 AM
So, I'm sitting here, doing nothing. I just took three benadryl, in hopes that it'll knock me out and give me at least artifical sleep if I can't have the real thing. I made a pot of macaroni and cheese, although I didn't have the ingredients to make it the way I like it. So it was kinda bland.
I'm really tired of Prince of Persia. I want Katamari Damacy to get here so I can play it. I guess I just expected a great game out of Prince of Persia 2 because the first one was so great, but I heard before I ever bought it that anyone wanting it to live up to the first would be horribly dissapointed. I mean, I missed the innovative puzzles in "The Sands of Time", but "Warrior Within" seems to be more oriented around the combat and not enough around the challenging puzzles. Most of the puzzles in WW are about not being able to tell where you're supposed to jump/wall run. Maybe I just haven't experienced some good puzzles yet but as far as I know I'm more than halfway through the game.
Other than video games and over the counter medication, I don't really have anything to talk about. I just wanted to post another update so I could let you all know that I am still awake but on the road to sleepytown in a little while.
Good night (again).
~TJ |
|
|
| boring day |
[Jul. 14th, 2005|02:49 am] |
| [ | My disposition during this post: |
| | content | ] |
So I felt I had a pretty good day at work. Nothing really happened... maybe that's why. And I didn't see her until after I had gotten in my car and she was driving home (I'm assuming from Rob's to see Deb and T.C.) She had her hand over her eye, maybe out of pure coincidence, but I think to snub me. After work, I went over to Cambry's house and watched some TV followed by playing a little Prince of Persia: Warrior Within. Other than the whole not sleeping thing, I feel like I had a pretty good day. But once again, maybe that's because I was asleep until 4:30 and I had to work at 5:00. I feel my days go pretty well when I don't experience them. That's kinda sad, isn't it?
In other news, I ordered Katamari Damacy the other day. I got priority shipping ($3 extra) so I can get it hopefully BEFORE I go to Texas on Tuesday. I'm EXCITED.
Which reminds me: I AM indeed going to Texas on Tuesday, to see my family. So while I'm there, updates are going to be few and far between, if there are any at all. The only way I'd be able to post is if I get online at my aunt and uncle's house. Other than that though, I have another vacation, the 1st through 5th of August, where there will be NO updates, because of the fact that I'll be in a cabin, and with Kristine.
Then my birthday's on the 7th! I'll be 19! But yet I know it'll be a shitty birthday, just like all the others since I was twelve. But maybe I should be optimistic.
Other than all that, I'm gonna go. I'm probably going to play some Acrophobia and go to bed.
Good night all,
~TJ |
|
|
| another sleepless night... |
[Jul. 13th, 2005|08:20 am] |
| [ | My disposition during this post: |
| | annoyed | ] |
| [ | What I'm listening to currently: |
| | "Run" by Snow Patrol | ] |
It's 8:22 AM. Have I been to sleep? No.
I went in to the convenience store this morning and my manager told me that there was a bunch of work that I didn't do-- that I remember doing. Legitimately, though, there were a few things on the list that I, in fact, did not do, but for the most part all of the things she told me were done.
I think my lack of sleep is a direct result of my fighting with Kristine as of late. We got into a fight last night because I asked her if anything was progressing between her and her "mystery man" (she has a thing for someone and wouldn't tell me who.) After I asked her though, she said "You know what, it's fucking TC Smyth, you were right, jesus christ." And I was like "What? I was just making friendly conversation." and she said "That was your way of trying to find out more about him just so you could figure out who it is." Then she asked me if I was going to laugh in her face because I told her that if I was right and she had a thing for TC Smyth, I would laugh histerically because he's a huge douche bag. And she kept pestering me. She was like "Come on, I know you want to laugh in my face, just fucking do it already." And eventually I just said, "You know what? I'm not going to laugh in your face. You know why? Because I know what it felt like when you laughed in my face after I fucked Niki." She asked if I just expected her to be understanding and say "It's ok, we all make mistakes", and I told her that yes, I kinda did expect that. And then she went off on this tangent about how I knew Niki was a bad person to sleep with but I did it anyway. And how I'm supposedly the only one that's allowed to make mistakes. Then I stated, "You know, it's funny that YOU say that." She then turned towards my house and parked out in front of it. She said "Alright, I'm done, get out of my car." And I said "You know, it's just like I said a while back, whenever you want to say something I'm more than eager and willing to listen, but as soon as I start talking about what's on my mind, you kick me out or leave and don't give me a chance to speak." She said "Bye" and I said "My point exactly." I then stepped out of the car and she said "Fuck you." And then drove off before I could even shut the door. She parked the car about a block up, to lean over and shut it.
I'm fucking tired of it. You know, maybe I have some things I want to say. She always got angry that I never expressed when I was angry, but she doesn't, and never did give me a chance to. And her off-handed comment about me being the only one allowed to make mistakes pissed me off. In all actuality, it's the exact opposite. With all the decisions she's made, I've gave her nothing but the utmost caring and understanding, hoping that maybe some of that compassion would be returned, but is it? Is it fucking ever returned? No. I didn't laugh in her face when she messed around with Sam Schoen although before it happened all she could talk about was how fat and nasty and an asshole he was. Never once did I turn her away because of something she did. And I'm tired of being the only one that gives a fuck anymore.
I was just about to make a post about how much I miss Kristine and want her back. But this really takes the cake. I mean, she just won't allow me to be happy. Ever. I really am tired of feeling like everything I do is a crime against her, let alone the whole of humanity. I wish I could just NOT have to deal with her anymore. Katie Keller suggested that I not be her friend anymore, but I couldn't just give up like that. As much as I want to (and oh god do I) I couldn't forgive myself if I just tossed her out like yesterday's garbage. I realize that she's done that to me, so to speak, but returning the favor wouldn't make me the better man.
I don't know though. I can't really think of anything else to type other than random ranting, so I'm just going to go before this post gets too ridiculous. I'm gonna eat my chocolate bar and finish my vanilla coke and try to go to bed. Fat fucking chance.
See you all later,
~TJ |
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| another boring day, another boring post. |
[Jul. 12th, 2005|03:56 am] |
| [ | My disposition during this post: |
| | bored | ] |
Nothing really happened today. I got called in to fill the ice machines at like 8:30 AM today, because I forgot to do it last night. And after that, I went to Ryan's house, and when he had to leave I went to Cambry's house. Cambry, John, and I just hung out for a while. Other than that, nothing happened today, so I'm just going to end my post here.
Good night,
~TJ |
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